“Every six months he is kicked out of work”. “He is often drunk”. “His ingenious business plan is in no way implemented”. Many of these “unsuccessful” men have devoted friends. Why weakness is attractive?
“How talented he is!”-exclaims my friend, 40-year-old Rita. For six months, I see how she revels in her new love: he is 35, called Victor. They met when he offered to give her some tips about the interior, so he remained in this interior. He had previously had an apartment on Ostozhenka, but he sold it to pay off his debts.
“He showed me a photo of the situation, he has an impeccable taste!” – admires Rita. She represents him to everyone as a designer: “He only needs to help to unwind a bit”. I have a bad feeling. I’m afraid once Victor will disappear, leaving Rita debts and a broken heart. This is how her previous lover, unrecognized artist disappeared. Rita also helped him spin. I remind her of this, she thinks for a minute: “Yes, there is something in common …”But he immediately brings herself up:” It was a mistake, and now – I feel – this is the present “.
In my opinion, I have already read about women who over and over again choose men with problems and try their best to help them, most often in vain. For clarification I turn to the psychoanalytic psychotherapist Elena Ratner.
“Sometimes men behave like that,” she remarks, “but the desire to equip the life of the chosen one is really more often characteristic of women. It can take extreme forms: the desire to heal, save, sometimes sacrificing its own interests. “. This is probably dangerous – I suggest. “You should not panic,” the psychotherapist replies, “but if the woman notices that the relationship is painful and repeated with
different men, then it is really time for her to think”.
And I think. Not only about Rita – I remember my own story. I also once met such a person … and even married him.
“I wanted to save him”
“Such meetings are not accidental,” notes Elena Ratner. – The woman chooses a partner. She does not seek to heal every man from any misfortune. Trying to help another, she unconsciously tries to solve her own problem “. Someone is attracted by those men who were abandoned and lonely in childhood, the mental imbalance beckons others.
A woman is trying to save a partner from trouble that affects her personally. Helping him to cope with the injury, she wants to overcome her. A similar pain in the past of everyone gives rise to a feeling of intimacy from which love grows … or what is easy to take for it.
I was 25 when I met Nikita. We often found ourselves in some company where we laughed a lot and drank. Bright and witty, he attracted me. I dreamed of a date. And she was beside myself with happiness when my dreams began to come true. It turned out, however, that together we also drink all the time. Soon I stopped trying to keep up with him. But he alone “persuaded” two or three bottles of wine in the evening. The restrained attitude of my parents towards Nikita did not interfere with me, even my desire to connect my fate with him forever spurred.
“We will get married, we will be together, friends and companies will go into the background, he will settle down …” – so I imagined it to myself. I threw out the bottles that the young husband was masterfully hid – I found one in the shoe box on the mezzanine – I figured out how to distract him from trips to friends, from which he returned, barely holding on his feet.
In the third year of marriage, I insisted that he begin to be treated from alcoholism. He spent a month in a hospital. I thought I saved him. And for a month I enjoyed a calm family life. Then he said: “What are you, you don’t see that I do not live, but I exist? I’m bored with everything, I can’t even think!”After that I saw him sober once or twice a month. After a year of such a life, I filed for divorce.